"Hello Sir"

Hello Sir remember me
I'm the man you thought I'd never be
The boy who you reduced to tears
The lad called thingy for six whole years
Yeah that's right my name's Bob
The one who landed the popstar's job
The one who you told Look don't touch
The kid who wouldn't amount to much
Well I am here and you're still there
With your fake sportscar, receding hair
With your dodgy Farah trousers that you think are smart
Married to the woman that teaches art
Married to the life, married to the school
I want to sing and dance, sir, now who's a fool
Sing and dance you thought was barmy
Settle down thingy join the army
And who are you to tell me this
The dream I want I'd have to miss
Sir is God he's been given the right
To structure lives overnight
Now I know life's true path
Tanks and guns that'll be a laugh
No not me I'm a mega civilian
I won't lead my life riding a pillion
Well, thanks for the advice
and I'm sure it'll do
For the negative plonkers just like you
As for now I've a different weapon
Stage and screen is about to beckon
And here I sit in first class
Bollocks sir
Kiss my ass

_________________

"Thank You For Letting Me Be Me"

Thank you for letting me be myself.
Some people don't like me being me.
It seems that I make them feel uneasy about themselves.
I've tried hard in the past to fit in with people.
It's the only me I do and I get offended when I'm not liked.
I would also like to think that that's a natural human emotion.
But it seems the position I'm in means it's ok to hate me.
even if we've never met
so thank you for letting me be me.
I'm on the telly, so people think I don't have feelings -- I do.
So thank you for letting me be me.
I read stuff about me that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
You have never said or thought these things,
so thank you for letting me be me.
I have money to spend and I live the life of a high roller
but you've never held this against me.
Some people make me feel as though.
I don't deserve to be where I am.
Believe me. I too on many occasions have had these feelings,
so they're not alone.
But you have never thought these things.
So thank you for allowing me to be me.
If I'm ever abrasive or seem arrogant
it's because I'm scared.
But you know this and you let me be me.
Some people'll watch this and tear it to pieces
but they're not like you...
They won't let me be me.


_________________

"Naked At An Awards Ceremony"

I'm naked at an awards ceremony
I'm hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he's eating canapés
I've got a laser pen
and I'm shining it on Salman Rushdie's forehead like that
Missing Brian May's hair by a fraction
Yeah, I'm naked, but nobody seems to mind
Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg
I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
The theme tune to " Howard's Way "
Plays gleefully in the background
And everybody taps their feet
Meat Loaf wets himself he's gotta leave
So I'm asked to fill his place in the show
I duet with a chauffeur
Who's driving Whitney Houston or somebody like that
We sing " Abide With Me " at the top of our voices
To my surprise I get an erection
Not a full-on erection like Jeff Stryker
But a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
Through the medium of dance
I explain what Shirley Bassey's back garden looks like
Brings the house down
Everyone gets cold and leaves